"My Countless gods"

     Like any other Muslim, I too, believe in one God. But little did I know that I was blessed with many more gods. How come I could have countless gods will unfold in coming lines.

     I read this post on Facebook and could not help but yell "Amazing!" All I saw was beauty in this girl but when I started reading her story I just wanted to go and hug her tight! It was like looking at my own reflection in the mirror. I have heard a lot, and by "a lot" I mean "aaaaaaa lottttttt" on being skinny. Same here, not just by my age fellows but by many people I came across. Even the most educated lots called the teachers! But this stupid body bashing took its dirty shape in university. My days at Kinnaird College and before it made me confident enough to love myself. Then I joined my university in MPhil with same spirit but eventually I got to see how hideous people can be! Not all are bad. I have found so many who love me the way I am, not for my physique but for my mind and soul.

     But then I came to realize that only bad people see badly in others. Thankfully I didn't have to wait for years to get back my confidence, I am quite stubborn in loving myself the way I am, but those couple of years were not good either. They all came with crying, pitying, doubting, whining and complaining. And the most common judgment used to be the concern of people on my marriage. Yes! That how will I get married with being such skinny, or how any guy will like me if I stay that way. For them my only purpose was to get married and give birth to a zillion babies (which is impossible in any case by the way).

     I tried from confronting to crying but nothing changed, because, I realized ugliness can never change.

     And then, as I have mentioned earlier, I am stubborn in loving myself the way I am, I see positivity in every situation, so I found out positivity in this too. I started to analyze what was wrong. There were two possibilities, either I was wrong or the other person. I took guidance from both the Islamic studies and my upbringing and came to the conclusion that I was not wrong. The fault lied in the other person pointing at my “so-called flawed body”. I can never understand what others get by bashing people. Anyway, I analyzed the whole situation and came to these conclusions:

1) I came to know that only bad people know how to criticize others.

2) Only low people will comment at such low level.

3) Family values matter and comments of people show how they are brought up.

4) No matter what, Allah is there!

5) Speak up.

6) Let bad people know that they are wrong and bad.

7) Never try to hurt others and reach their level to come back at them, let them be at their low.

8) See positivity in every situation.

9) Find yourself!

10) Stand up for other people.

11) Do not hesitate in telling your fears or insecurities.

12) Put your efforts in becoming successful.

13) Never loose your confidence for some stupid people.

14) People show their selves.

15) You do not have to react to every person.

16) Enjoy being you.

17) Find your strengths.

18) Stop anyone if they make any stupid comment about others in front of you, and last but not the least.

19) Don’t give a fuck what people think about you!

     This body shaming is not just on being skinny; so many people get ridiculed for being fat! Now, why? Girls join gyms, stop eating food and do what ever they can to shed few kilos, but for what? Because they may have been tortured in their lives. And it is not only limited to girls. Men are body shamed every now and then. And one can only imagine what harsh comments they go through. They may hide it behind the so-called tough male-exterior of them but deep inside they have been hurt in their lives.

     Many young girls go though this phase. Some people may say, so what, keep going. But not all can have a family like I have. I know how my parents brought me up, telling me the value of good soul rather than that of a beautiful body. Not all can forget all this and remain their usual sweet. Not all know how to change this negativity to their value. Not all can keep their spirits high in all such cynicism. Not all can keep all this pessimism away from their own personality.

   I always try to stand up against it where ever I can. I do not hear comments on someone’s physique. I straightforwardly tell that person to stop and think what they are saying. I know it may not create much difference but I know it will create difference, if it is in only one person’s life! So my friends stand against this stupidity and stop anyone you see commenting on some one’s physique.

     I thank all such gods of mine for liberating my thoughts and soul.

     

     To the stunning smile I know!

                                                              👊💖💖

“And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another”

     People are strange. Behaviors are strange. Thoughts are strange. I write this with having four cases in my mind. Few days ago there was Mr. Imdad Pitafi, Minister for Works and Services Sindh, making indecent remarks against fellow MPA. Only that this fellow MPA was a female. And supporting this minister was Nawab Taimur Talpur, who wasted no time to make some indecent noises in the assembly. I am short of words on this incident because these men are those who are picked by the people to serve them. (They are supposed to be serving the people but who cares!)

Second is the case of Zeenat Bibi's murder. The girl was burnt to death by her mother and family after she eloped and married a guy of her choice. Third is the ongoing sexual harassment case against the boss in one of the channels of Pakistan. This case is put against the boss by two female anchors. Since I happen to know the scenario so will not say anything more but that females do know how to use their femininity. Not all times a man is evil. Sometimes the evil wears makeup and walk in heels. And fourth case is that of Atif Aslam rescuing some girls at his concert.

     In all these above mentioned scenarios, women are victimized. In first two mentioned cases, the females are targeted. In the third mentioned case the women in plain sight are not that much victimized. And finally, in case of Atif Aslam saving girls from harassment, the side of the guy’s story has emerged lately. I cannot verify either side since I do not happen to know exactly what happened, but still I add it here. You will come to know why.

     Yes women are victimized in these cases for reason none other than their gender. You may be thinking yes it is evident so what is new? Let me explain it to you.

yes, from google images.

     Whenever a male commits a crime, like harassing, rapping, beating, teasing a female; some common comments come out. "What if she was your wife, daughter, mother or sister?" “Would you have done all this then?" "Do you want all this to happen to them?" "Haven't you ever thought about them?" "Is that what your mother taught you?" Etc etc. These sentences look quit philosophical. One may think that whoever has said them was wise enough to point the reality to the culprit. But it is not. It is not philosophical to say such things. It is not wise, it is not good or it is not morally high. These sentences are derogatory to women. If a man has committed a crime, no relation of his; let it be man or a woman, is responsible for his crime. A person is responsible for his or her actions. When do we stop putting blame on females for what they did not do?

     I have come across many so called deep thoughts of so called social media scholars who try to convince males to see other women with respect. People vehemently share them on their walls to give lessons to other people. The tool used to convince them, same old 'your woman' card. Many people believe that if a male goes on to rape any female or flirt, hurt or have an affair with other female then the women of his family will pay penalty to his price. Logic asks, why? Why would I pay off if my male hurts any other female? NO! The only person to meet the consequences of his acts will be that guy doing the evil deeds.

     If I put it in Islamic light it becomes clearer that no one is here to forfeit the evil deeds of other. Here are some verses for your consideration:

Surah Al-Isra', (Verse 15), “Whoever is guided is only guided for [the benefit of] his soul. And whoever errs only errs against it. And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And never would We punish until We sent a messenger.”

Surah Fussilat, (Verse 46), " Whoever does righteousness - it is for his [own] soul; and whoever does evil [does so] against it. And your Lord is not ever unjust to [His] servants.”

Surah Fatir, (Verse 18), “And no bearer of burdens will bear the burden of another. And if a heavily laden soul calls [another] to [carry some of] its load, nothing of it will be carried, even if he should be a close relative. You can only warn those who fear their Lord unseen and have established prayer. And whoever purifies himself only purifies himself for [the benefit of] his soul. And to Allah is the [final] destination.”

Need more to say?

     What I have come across is that this blaming on the women of the culprit is actually a step towards the common thinking of honor killings and vani in our region. This blaming-the-woman mentality prevails in our society and shockingly, women are here to believe in it! A criminal never goes out and commits a big crime. There are many smaller thoughts and actions that add up and then boom…the crime is committed. What are honor killings? Her actions are not approved by the family and a female is killed for supposedly bringing shame to the family. Nineteen years old Zeenat Bibi was killed because her family thought she brought shame to them by marrying off a guy of her choice. Why the family has tied their so called honor with what their daughter does?

In vani, a woman is punished for what she has not done. So when we utter something like what if this happened with your so and so female member, we are actually trying to say that stop right there or something like this may happen to her. Isn't this what happen in the practice of vani? Again I say, start blaming the criminal, not anyone else.  

THAT HARD EARNED CUP OF TEA.

     He came back from office late at night and had the same old question to ask, what I did today? And as usual, I had the same old answer, “nothing”. He looked around himself and saw clean house, dinner ready and our children all set to sleep. He nodded an empty nod and asked me to make him tea. I did. He ate his dinner, talked about his day at office, all the hassle he had to go for a file, and then slept because he had to wake up early the next morning. After he slept, I made tea for myself and sat quietly on the sofa. How could he not see what I had done today? He simply ignored all of my efforts to keep the house clean. His indifference was killing me from inside. I finished my tea and went to sleep because I had to wake up early too.

     Next morning was as usual. I made him breakfast for the morning and lunch for his afternoon hunger. I made him coffee just like he wanted. He went to his office for a long day of work. How hectic that would be all, I thought. Suddenly my thoughts were diverted back to my surroundings when my baby started crying, apparently for no reason. Upon careful examination of the situation, I found out the reason. Well to be honest, I did not have to work much on the reason, he was just being cranky. He wanted me to hold him in my arms. He cried just for that. Cranky baby. Sometimes these kids test your nerves. I thought. Unexpectedly this sentence took me back to my office when I was working. I always used to say that these colleagues were testing my nerves. I remembered how irritable staff members could become. Gossiping, leg pulling, always trying to bring each other down, that was my office. I should have been awarded a certificate of patience for bearing with such colleagues, I used to exclaim. Next was the thought of my friends at office. I would be wrong if I said that all I had were bad people around me at my office. Many of them were nice decent fellows. I remembered them and kept smiling on my own.

     Later that morning my cleaning machine stopped working. I was vacuuming my carpets and it stopped. Oh the hassle! I started analyzing it and tried to make it work again. It did not. I looked for an alternative and picked up a broom to continue with my cleaning. It reminded me of one afternoon at office. I had to take printouts of some important pages but our printer gave away. I tried this and that to make it work again. But it did not. The time was running short so I looked for alternatives, writing! I jotted down all those important points on a paper and headed straight to attend the meeting. That was fun, I thought!

     I was cooking in the kitchen when my cat decided to show up. Ms. June wanted me to pat her. She wanted love at that time. Your cat would never understand you, I reflected. I tried to make her leave the kitchen but she did not. So what I could do? I sat on a chair for her to jump on my lap. Ms. June changed her plans and went out of kitchen, just like that! I could not comprehend whether she got angry on me or she found her interest in something else. I smiled at her ever changing moods. Moods, hmm… well this was not the first moody creature I had encountered. My boss was the same. One minute my boss would be all so good to us and the next, he would rip our self esteem apart. His name was, that moody jerk. Actually not, it was what we used to call him. His parents did not name him “moody jerk”. Why they did not? We would question! I kept on smiling for many minutes.

     I was immersed in my thoughts when my phone bell rang. It was a call from school. My baby had developed some sort of irritation on his skin so I should go and pick him from school lest he become sick. I stopped my cooking, filled bowl for my cat, held up my little baby and went straight to school. There was a traffic jam on the way. I analyzed and changed my route to reach my kid in time. I reached there, picked him up and went straight to see a doctor. It all happened so quickly and after almost two hours I was back home with my kids. I hurriedly did my cleaning, separated clothes for laundry, ironed clothes and made a whole new meal. Why? because according to my older son the cooked tomatoes in curry resembled the lesion on his skin and the younger one did not want to eat because his older brother refused to eat and he thought he would be left behind from eating something heavenly that I was going to serve his older brother. I was so tired to argue that I made a whole new meal for them.

     After completing my home chores and finishing with my son’s homework, I took them outside for play. I sat on the grass thinking about how my day went. I sat their reflecting on all the stuff I did till this afternoon. I thought about all the work I did the other day, and the day previous to the other day and earlier and before. I thought about indifference of my husband the day before. I was hurt. Why he could not see what I had done the whole day? How could he ignore all the chores I did at home. Why? I started analyzing our conversation, every bit of it. Then I realized something. It was I who did not tell him what I did. It was I who undermined my own self. It was I who did not acknowledge what I had been doing all day. How could I expect appreciation from others if I was not sure about my achievements? I was doing job. A job of a housewife. My life was same like that when I worked in office. Probably a cranky baby was not comparable to terrible colleagues, or a cleaning machine to a printing machine, or a boss to a pet cat. Probably my picking up my son from school and taking him to a hospital did not correspond to me rushing to our second office building in downtown for some urgent work. Probably. But these were all works. All sorts of works that I would do on a daily basis. I was not comparing the outside world with my in-house comfortable world. The challenges might seem different with dissimilar intensities but my work at home could not be taken for granted. I had been a caretaker of our house. I was a cook, cleaner, entertainer, concierge, trainer, electrician, plumber, gardener, maid, custodian, janitor, psychologist, counselor, manager, teacher, play date, and above all, a mediator for my kids. I had to start acknowledging my self. It was nobody’s fault but mine. I had to start taking pride in my work. I was a housewife! Right with this word I heard a loud cry; my baby had toppled from see-saw. Boy! I could not even think for a minute. I rushed to him and took my children inside.   

     That night he came from office, all tired. He asked me the same question, “So what did you do all day?” I told him. I told him about all what I had done that day. He looked around himself and saw clean house, dinner ready and our children all set to sleep. He nodded but not an empty nod. He smiled and offered to make tea for me. We smiled together. He handed me a hot mug of tea and sat beside me. I looked at the tea. I inhaled its aroma, I admired its sight and took a deep breath to take a sip of that tea. It was perfect. Perfect ratio of milk, tea, sugar and a bit of coffee sprinkled on it. Perfect love. This was my salary. A cup of tea made with love. I looked at what I had earned after work of all day, I looked at that hard earned cup of tea!

                                                                 Purrfect!

Where are we wrong?

     This is a story that has been circulating on social media for quite long. I had read it like four or five years ago. Then I kept reading it. I always liked it since the message it wanted to portray was superb. Until now. Yes, until now. Recently I saw this post again on somebody’s page. This particular post has 5,455 share and more than ten thousand likes, hearts or wow. But I did not like it this time. Here it is for you to read:

                                       

     It narrates a story that a poor man bought chicken and gave it to his wife for cooking. She cooked it. But the curry had high quantity of salt. Due to that the curry became too saltish to eat. The poor man had not eaten chicken or meat in past six months. This was his first chicken dish in six months. He became angry. He became angry that why there was high amount of salt in it. But he kept on eating it. He did not say a word to his wife. He thought he should pardon his wife because if it were his daughter he would have wanted his son in law to pardon her. Also, his wife was a daughter of some one else and a human made by Allah. So he pardoned his wife for putting extra salt in the chicken which he had bought after a lot of hard work. After his death some saint saw him in dream and asked about his meeting with the Lord Almighty. He told the saint that Allah started telling him about his sins so he thought he would go straight to hell. But then Allah forgave him, reason was that he once forgave his wife for putting extra salt in chicken curry. Allah told him that he did not scold her or beat her up with a stick and forgave her for Allah’s sake so Allah forgave him too.

     Isn’t it a spiritual story? So what was the reason that I did not like it this time when I read it? I asked myself. I am a good muslim and always believes in the mercy of The Most Merciful. Then why I did not like it? So what is the problem in that, one may ask? Ask yourselves too that what is wrong in this story? Do you find anything incorrect in it?

     Well let me explain. First of all, nothing is mentioned about the nature of that woman’s act. Was it deliberate or was that unintentional? If it was unintentionally done then how could a husband “forgive” his wife on an accidental act? He did “sabr” on this unintended work of his wife. He did not “forgive” her! And what if she did it intentionally, then who gave him the right to “forgive” her? Do you see it?

     Why do we have to be reminded again and again that a wife is not a servant of her husband? No Islam has ever said that. Pick one Hadi or Ayah where Allah or His Messenger has said that?  No! Allah clearly said in Chapter-2 of Quran, Surah Al-Baqara:

“On the night of the fast it is lawful for you to have sexual relations with your wives.  They are clothing/covering (libaas) for you and you for them….”

(2:187)

What is the role of “libaas” on a person? It is the most intimate thing which hides and adorns a person. So that is what Allah made spouses for each other.  

Then my Lord described another beautiful nature of humans:

“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.  Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.”

(30:21)

     He created humans. He made a system to multiply the number of His creatures. He created a whole system of hormones in us. And with that he created a natural fondness between the opposite genders. It is all science. And to fulfill that urge of fondness between genders, He created “Nikkah”, a verbal bond that unite two people together. He did not mention anywhere to attain tranquility by beating or scolding your wife. He cleared it by describing that He placed affection between the two. so it is through love that you shall find tranquility from your spouse. If Allah is so thoughtful that He described even the mode of tranquility, then how come He can forgive a person because “that person forgave his wife on putting extra salt in curry and did not beat her.”

Another verse is:

“And those who pray, "Our Lord! Grant unto us wives and offspring who will be a source of comfort/happiness/consolation, and give us (the grace) to lead the righteous."

(25:74)

Allah mentioned the supplication for good wives and He completed it with the supplication of righteousness. And righteousness is giving love to wives not beating or scolding them. Our Prophet (PBUH) described righteousness through his (PBUH) actions.

“It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (PBUH) said: “The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) said: ‘Be kind to women.’”(Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 3153; Muslim, 1468)     

“It was narrated that ‘Urwah ibn al-Zubayr said: “ ‘Aa’ishah said: ‘By Allah, I saw the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) standing at the door of my apartment when the Abyssinians were playing with their spears in the Mosque of the Messenger of Allah (PBUH). He covered me with his cloak so that I could watch their games, then he stood there for my sake until I was the one who had had enough.’” (Narrated by al-Bukhaari, 443; Muslim, 892)

This is the righteousness!

     My point is, please understand what Allah has given us. The post under scrutiny does not seem damaging, people may say it was a one harmless post, or, see the positive message in it and forget the other one. But no! Problem is that people are liking it or sharing it by thinking that it is permissible in Islam to hit a wife if she puts extra salt in curry! No it is not! She is a wife, not a possession. She is the same human as you are in front of Allah. What differs you two will be the “taqwaa” on the Judgment Day. My issue is that women are liking it by accepting so easily that it is allowed in Islam to hit a wife. Please try to stop spreading wrong message in the name of Islam. And secondly, what is the reference of this story? A conversation with Allah is mentioned in it, so where is the reference? And how authentic the reference is, if any? Isn’t it a “bidaah” or perhaps “kufr” to say words on behalf of THAT ALMIGHTY ONE?!

     Also, you might have read this particular ayah of Surah- AnNissa, a lot.

“Men are the protectors/guardians and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore/so the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to the husband), and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct (nushuz), admonish them (first), (Next), refuse to share their beds, (And last) separate from them; but if they obey you, seek not against them Means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, great (above you all).”

(4:34).

This ayah summarizes an important lesson, what if a wife disobeys her husband? It is a great sin and there is a reason why Allah has made it a sin. As He has made the men protectors of their wives so the wives have to obey them unless the wives may get into trouble by not obeying or listening to their husbands. Like if a man asks his wife to not buy a suit because he has not enough money left, she must obey him. If a man asks his wife to stop meeting someone because that particular person may be harm to them, she must obey him, if a man asks his wife to cook for him or clean his clothes she should, so on and so forth. This is the obedience which our Islam has asked women to follow. Not that he keeps on scolding you or beating you and you keep on obeying him. Now see another ayah from the same chapter which perhaps is not discussed very much:

“And if a woman fears from her husband contempt or evasion, there is no sin upon them if they make terms of settlement between them - and settlement is best. And present in [human] souls is stinginess. But if you do good and fear Allah - then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.” (4:128)

So Allah gave both husbands and wives equal rights, just the contexts are different given that these two genders play different roles in life.

     There are so many references from Islam that I can discuss here, on rights of both husbands and wives, but let us just remain with these few. Hope this post will make you to think a bit!   

 

THE SHOW MUST GO ON.

     The show must go on. If someone had told her this five years ago, she would have killed that person right away. Five years ago doorbell of their house rang loud. When she walked in the lounge from her father’s room, her eyes met with a box placed on their table. It was bright yellow with red inscription for the name of shop and it held sweets in it. Everything about the box and its contents was representing happiness and life; bright yellow as sunshine, red as rose and sweet as sugar. The box was all about glee and bliss in itself. These sweets were distributed by their family friends to celebrate the birth of their grandchild, her mother told her. She embraced her mother tightly and told her about the death of her father. It all happened in seconds. But these seconds were so long that they appeared to span a lifetime. Her dear father breathed his last breath on his bed. She was helpless as she saw her king leaving for eternal journey. That was one moment when her soul crushed, her heart broke and her strength gave away. But she still was breathing.

KISS OF LIFE

My doctor told me I was having a baby girl. My mother’s expression changed suddenly. She was a mother, a member of our society, so she wanted her daughter’s first child to be a son. But it was not a son. It was a daughter for me. Surprisingly my mother-in-law was over the moon. She was a mother too, a member of our society, so she wanted to see her son’s children as soon as possible. Between these wants of sons and children, they somehow noticed my silence. My both mothers thought I was upset because I was not going to give birth to a son. I did not answer them. My thoughts began where their thoughts ended.

CRYING EYES LONG FOR SUNSHINE

That night was full of sunshine. I could actually feel the warmth and brightness of sun shining over me. But that was night! I thought how an analytical mind could possibly get astray and laughed at my thoughts. I could not help but giggle and smile while getting ready for the function. I was getting married to my friend, my soul mate, my love. While saying “I do”, I was not actually thinking of taking him as my husband. I always thought what brides and grooms would think during that moment, I used to explore nuances of emotions on their faces to know what they would be thinking at that moment. With every “I do” I was looking forward to a wonderful future, a future that I wanted to spend with the man I trusted. I was thinking about all the rains and sunshines that would get a meaning in my coming years. And henceforth, I became a missus.